I got lost

I got lost.

I got lost in my longing.

In my longing to be seen, in my longing to be met.

I got lost so fucking deep in my longing.

That night we shared in the streets of melbourne; that night when I rediscovered the wonder that is to be alive. When conversation filled the room and air filled my lungs, when I looked to you and your childlike wonder inspired me back into a time of wonder and innocence. I wanted to stay there forever with you. Hold your hand and say follow me to my secret spot, where we'll be safe in lands of our creation, where sky is the limit and roots go deep, deeper than the knomes caves. Deeper than the lava at the centre of the earth.

You touched something in me, I wanted to stay there forever with you, never grow up like Peter Pan. 

But I blinked and the moment passed. Suddenly I was thousands of miles away in a land far far away, the last that I heard from you was "I feel very connected to you". I believed you, and I protected that seed, that seed you planted in my soul that night. Or rather that seed that got rediscovered that night, in your company. 

I didn't know that then.

I protected that seed and attended it carefully in my memory for almost two years.. By then i had forgotten what I had discovered, but I did remember your face at McDonalds. That was enough for me to want to see you again.

This time it was different.

It was as if all the illusion I had been nurturing, all the warmth, got distorted by you. I was confused. I refused to reassess my memory of you, that I had so carefully protected against bad weather. This was worse, the rough reality of seeing you again, consumed, lost, made me protect the seed even against you. Yet I could not permit myself to leave you in such state, so I betrayed myself and I let you bring me down with you. I wanted to feed you with love, I wanted to fire up your heart by putting high voltages of love straight through it. I even loved your bonsai tree. I wanted to fix you so that you could come with me again, to that place of wonder, that place beyond science and superstition. I didn't  want to go alone, it was too good not to be shared.

But this place demands a certain kind of ripeness, a wanderlust. It's only for fit hearts willing to move through fear.

I got lost, forgot all about that place. Wasn't ripe enough for that journey. I let myself fall into old patterns, old molds where I would sacrifice myself and drench my energy into you the same way a full bathtub gets drain'd out of water. The same way a vampire feeds of blood. I went through a dehydration process, I lived off beer for a week. I left my secret path behind and followed you into the darkened corners of your soul, the shadows of my conciousness.  Took a one way ticket and saved the return ticket for you. 

I tried. I tried so hard and got so lost. Got lost in outcomes, got lost in translation and lost in confusion. Between german swedish and 'stralian I could not communicate. Words became jibberish and could not make myself understood. Up became down and the void sucked me further down. I Let myself fall into your rabbit hole. 

Poff; You were gone. 

I was left confused, in a room full of doors not knowing how to get back to christmastown. 

Ate a cookie that said Eat me, Drank a potion that said drink me. I was stretched and shrunked and the clothes fell off me, leaving me naked and vulnerable. Until I found the door, the door that would lead me through the yellow brick road back home... 🏡