Reminder of the child

I found myself deep in lands of confusion once again. The ghosts in my closet have come once again to haunt me, once again to taint my present. So I did the bravest thing I knew how to do, give up on my external desires to take care of that wounded child in me. 

That child that was yelled at and disrespected and hurt and betrayed. That child that has started deciding what is and what is not good for me. That child rules my heart and the adult in me has no chance against it. 

In this lands of confusion, The adult in me seems to believe that it can leave the child in the hands of somebody else; and I ask myself: Is this adult incredibly trusting? or is it just stupid? 

When the crazy experiment once again fails and I realize that I shouldn't have left that child behind, I start blaming my adult. 

"Adult, what the fuck?! Are you blind? Can't you see I needed you?! Can't you see I'm hurting? Can't you see I still need you to reassure me of my worth, be kind to me, be attentive and communicative with me?"

...in fact, when that crazy experiment once again fails I start blaming other people's adults too. It's called projection. It's a terrible defense-mechanism that I have in order to mantain peace between the adult and the child in me, the side effect is that I hurt others around me. 

So, I gave up.

I gave up on you, my sweet external desire.

I gave up on you, my friend.

I gave up on you, my fellow wounded child, for I had not the strength to carry us both. 

And incredible of me to even try. 

I'll let that be proof of the value of my heart. Maybe also the naivity of my heart; for maybe the idea of taking a bullet for someone was in fact quite premature- and once again my experiment failed.

It's the perks of wanting to run when I can't even walk. 

I believe trying to love someone unconditionally is the greatest trial for the heart. How much can you let it stretch? How much space can you make in it before it compromises with your own comfort and safety? 

I admire those who have already figured that one out, the ones who actively try to meet their child, the ones to make a fertile ground for a seed to grow. Those who have understood that the adult in you can't leave the child behind, and you can't leave it in someone else's hands completely (If you do, expect fuck-ups).

Those who have understood that projection is not a smart technique.

Those to have learnt to communicate with their inner child, and actively Listen. 

AHO!

imagination

Here I am , sick, at home, trying to find my way back.
I believe that when we get sick its a way for the body to "shed skin", as if it's trying to purge something out of it's system. It's getting rid of the old. Getting rid of beliefs about ourselves, that we are not worthy, that we are not enough, that we are useless.
I am not useless! I refuse to believe that!
I am more that enough.
I am worthy of being here, it's my birthright.

So, lying at home having been sick for almost a week now, I began to ask myself " why won't this let go of me? What haven't I seen? What haven't I listened to?..." I took a hot shower, made a cup of tea and made it as cozy and comfortable as humanly possible in my bed. I lied down in the dark, breathing, connecting to my heart. "What are you trying to tell me?"
I felt like reading, but no, that wasn't quite it.
I hugged myself and asked my heart again. My heart replied. "Ask the child in you".
What would the child in me have wanted?
What did I do as a child when I needed comfort? What did I do then to make me feel at home in my heart, and in company? What did the child in me love?
Storytelling.
The child in me loves stories.

I started crying for myself and familiar words came out of my mouth "You were much muchier before, you've lost your muchness". Not my words, Lewis Carrolls words...
I felt afraid, like Peter Pan, responsability scares the shit out of me. I do not want to grow up, I do not want to be responsible because responsability was what took the magic away from my life.
The magic left the day I started growing up. I never ever want to go back.
I never ever want to stop wandering and marvelling at life.
I never ever want to stop loving wholeheartedly and innocently as children do.
I never ever want to stop playing and lose my imagination.

Teachers

When we are not asked to stay, the only thing to do is leave.
It hurts so good.

Arrive each day wherever you are 
along the road. Be everything you are for every minute of the miles. 
Move like fire through the smoke. Ask questions.Enjoy the 
silence when it comes. Listen to people who's 
words ring true.Be kind to people you find fault 
with - they are teachers too.Find out what you 
love. Love what you find out and follow the sun 
inside you.

"Discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom
even in a muddy pond.
Beautiful and strong"

Mother - Home, by Elsa PP

when the dream fell apart,
you held me.
In sweet reminder you held me.
Meet it, for it is also part of you;
It is fuel for the way home.
In sweet reminder you held me,
pain fuels love, and such is home.
(mother, you are home)

perception of love, by Elsa PP

How do you break something that cannot be broken?
A million times have I shed my skin;
a million times have I broken myself open
and torn myself
apart,
just
to find YOU there,
yet again,
even more solidified than the time before.

I have come to learn that if I try to deny you
I become lost
I lose the current of life
that burns through me.
And,
if I allow you,
I drown in eternity,
in all that ever was
in all that ever will
be -
I drown in uncertainty,
I drown in shapelessness,
I drown in diversity, I drown in infinity.
I drown in everlasting fullness,
of everything that ever was and everything that ever will be.
It is not you,
it is not me,
it is not life as we shape it to be.
It is far richer than our perception allows us to see.

I got lost

I got lost.

I got lost in my longing.

In my longing to be seen, in my longing to be met.

I got lost so fucking deep in my longing.

That night we shared in the streets of melbourne; that night when I rediscovered the wonder that is to be alive. When conversation filled the room and air filled my lungs, when I looked to you and your childlike wonder inspired me back into a time of wonder and innocence. I wanted to stay there forever with you. Hold your hand and say follow me to my secret spot, where we'll be safe in lands of our creation, where sky is the limit and roots go deep, deeper than the knomes caves. Deeper than the lava at the centre of the earth.

You touched something in me, I wanted to stay there forever with you, never grow up like Peter Pan. 

But I blinked and the moment passed. Suddenly I was thousands of miles away in a land far far away, the last that I heard from you was "I feel very connected to you". I believed you, and I protected that seed, that seed you planted in my soul that night. Or rather that seed that got rediscovered that night, in your company. 

I didn't know that then.

I protected that seed and attended it carefully in my memory for almost two years.. By then i had forgotten what I had discovered, but I did remember your face at McDonalds. That was enough for me to want to see you again.

This time it was different.

It was as if all the illusion I had been nurturing, all the warmth, got distorted by you. I was confused. I refused to reassess my memory of you, that I had so carefully protected against bad weather. This was worse, the rough reality of seeing you again, consumed, lost, made me protect the seed even against you. Yet I could not permit myself to leave you in such state, so I betrayed myself and I let you bring me down with you. I wanted to feed you with love, I wanted to fire up your heart by putting high voltages of love straight through it. I even loved your bonsai tree. I wanted to fix you so that you could come with me again, to that place of wonder, that place beyond science and superstition. I didn't  want to go alone, it was too good not to be shared.

But this place demands a certain kind of ripeness, a wanderlust. It's only for fit hearts willing to move through fear.

I got lost, forgot all about that place. Wasn't ripe enough for that journey. I let myself fall into old patterns, old molds where I would sacrifice myself and drench my energy into you the same way a full bathtub gets drain'd out of water. The same way a vampire feeds of blood. I went through a dehydration process, I lived off beer for a week. I left my secret path behind and followed you into the darkened corners of your soul, the shadows of my conciousness.  Took a one way ticket and saved the return ticket for you. 

I tried. I tried so hard and got so lost. Got lost in outcomes, got lost in translation and lost in confusion. Between german swedish and 'stralian I could not communicate. Words became jibberish and could not make myself understood. Up became down and the void sucked me further down. I Let myself fall into your rabbit hole. 

Poff; You were gone. 

I was left confused, in a room full of doors not knowing how to get back to christmastown. 

Ate a cookie that said Eat me, Drank a potion that said drink me. I was stretched and shrunked and the clothes fell off me, leaving me naked and vulnerable. Until I found the door, the door that would lead me through the yellow brick road back home... 🏡 

self discovery

From first glance this love is deep.
First touch is a knowing. First kiss is a falling into bliss.
The sexual play-space we inhabit is like none other.
I move through lifetimes of healing. I release shame and fear. I show up for you. I see you. I am seen as no other.
This deep soul connection is a tool. We show up for the work, baited with the ecstasy we are offered.
Trigger me my love as only you can. Allow my shadow to rise to the surface to meet yours and walk hand in hand.
The places I have neglected seeing, let me see them clearly. The habits of responding from fear and pain show them to me.
It hurts. It's comfronting.
I'm in.
All in.

I refuse to run away from this great teacher. Knowing that there is only one place that I want to lay my head on the other side of our tears. Your chest, my home.
Show me where I deceive myself, where I operate from unkindness. I will show you where you haven't been showing up in your power and heart, where you refuse to acknowledge your greatness.
We walk through the shadows of hell, but at least we have eachother to hold onto.
I'm in.

This is the medicine. The medicine that makes me cry from joy and the pain of self-discovery.
Oh, I shall be a better person. You shall too.
For you see me and I see you.
The truth of your light and the truth of your darkness.
I am ugly and profane, yet I feel your love.
You are weak and unworthy yet you are bathed in my devotion.
You want to evolve?
Me too.
I'm in.

Fuck the mountaintop, the meditation cushion. I'm diving into love to find myself.
Relationships will bring us closer to our higher selvesand from that place we will merge more fully with the Divine.
I'm in.

I'm not fucking around. I see you. See me.

And appreciate fully this soul wrenching work we have signed up for. Delight in our reflections for each other.
And when the tears have been spilled and our hearts have been pried open know that I will be there to wrap you in my arms, my legs, my heart and soul - holding you up and soothing the depths of your being.
Trigger me my love so that I may grow.
I'm in.
All the way.

A woman

A woman is always going to be more energetically powerful than you. She's always going to be more emotionally powerful than you. And, she's more sexually powerful than you. Period. Forever.
She'll be a tornado sometimes.
She'll be a hurricane sometimes.
A flood. A fire. She's Nature herself.
You can run from that (and become lost).
You can try to control her (unsuccessfully).
You can be rigid about it (and be broken).
Or you can stand in your absolute masculine presence and do your best to serve her heart. There will be some times that you will distinctly see how you are serving her and the rest of the time... she will be trusting you - she will be growing in the trust of your depth.
You have a gift to give your woman - and she wants to receive it. Feel the truth of that.
Stay in the depth of your gift and your truth even while she is in the truth of her feminine nature. She will burn, flow, rain, shine, storm - and through all of it, she just wants to experience your presence.
The gift you receive is the opportunity to face death - death of Ego and a window to LIFE and PLEASURE and TRUTH... But ONLY - if you remain present."

~ David Deida ~

If you want to change the world… love a woman, just one woman .
Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.
Love her through her fear of abandonment
which she has been holding for all of humanity.
No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.
No, she is not weak in her codependence.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
all the way through
until she believes you,
until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion,
her wildness have returned to her-
until she is a force of love more powerful
than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.

If you want to change the world,
lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.
Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger
and love a woman…
beyond all of your striving for greatness,
beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.
The holy grail stands before you
if you would only take her in your arms
and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.

If you want to change the world…love a woman
to the depths of your shadow,
to the highest reaches of your Being,
back to the Garden where you first met her,
to the gateway of the rainbow realm
where you walk through together as Light as One,
to the point of no return,
to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth. ॐ 

 - Lisa Citore

Concepts of 2015

Today I am gonna be a bit lazy, and not write anything of my own, but rather share some interesting concepts I have stumbled upon this/these last year/months/weeks:


"Everything changes when you start to emit your own frequency rather than absorbing the frequencies around you, when you start imprinting your intent on the universe rather than receiving an imprint from existence"
- anonymous

:-)

"To seek enlightenment is like jumping from one wave of experience to another in search of water"
- Ken Wilber


"We must have the stubborness to accept our gladness in the ruthless furnace of this world"
- Jack Gilbert


"We create our own patterns and we create our own reality. Life is not about experiences, or rushing from moment to moment, to know more and more; Experience is already in the mind. It is the response to challenge. This response is conditioned bye the past, by memory. Such response only strengthens the conditioning (of the mind)"


"All spirituality is about relieving suffering"


"The true crisis in our world is not social, political or economic. Our crisis is a crisis in consciousness. An inability to directly experience our true nature. An inability to recognize this nature in everyone, and in all things. We are far more connected than our minds can grasps, we are far more powerful than we can imagine" 
- Alan Watts


"With great power, comes great responsibility"


"Seek Unity, rather than seeking division or separation. And start believing that everyone and everything is connected"


And I want to finish with a word I have learnt to love, and it's meaning, which can be applied to a lot of situations but not always holds the same meaning. A pretty flexible yet powerful word:


Responsibility = Respons + ability
-> The ability to respond to situations in an appropriate way


Good night! :-)

Quest Physics

"In the end, I've come to believe in something I call The physics of the quest. A force in nature governed by laws as real as the force of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this; 
If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to bitter old resentments), and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally); And if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue; And if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher; And if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself; Then the truth will not be withheld from you. 
I can't help but believe it given my experience" 

/Elisabeth Gilbert

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dxqolWJarg

Conciousness

Dear Friends, brothers and sisters; 
The true crisis in our world is not social, political or economic. Our crisis is a crisis in consciousness. An inability to directly experience our true nature. An inability to recognize this nature in everyone, and in all things. We are far more connected than our minds can grasps, we are far more powerful than we can imagine. Take a moment to think about this, and really think about it. 
With great power comes great responsibility. 
Please cultivate your mind and act with your heart.
It is easy if you try.

<3

Give your mind a break

Give your mind a break.
With everything that happens in life; All our ups and downs, All our expectations and all our disappointments, it is easy to lose our core, it is easy to lose our balance and difficult to keep our chakras cleansed, and no, the art of losing is not hard to master (forgive yourself for this, be kind to yourself, don't be too hard on yourself, don't guilt-trip yourself).

When you catch yourself worrying, or over-analyzing, or over-thinking things or situations, just: stop!
Give your mind a (well deserved) rest. Don't put yourself through that agony, be kind to yourself.

In a world full of intentions and energies and vibrations, it is easy to fall out of balance, don't be too hard on yourself.

Maybe you made a choice you knew at the time you shouldn't chose, but you did it anyway. Forgive yourself for this. You learnt something.
Maybe you lost respect for yourself. Again, the art of losing isn't hard to master. Forgive yourself for this.
Maybe you said Yes when you meant No, your better judgement froze in a state of fear, or anger, or whatever. I've done it many times (and keep stumbling upon that rock), it is not a disaster, forgive yourself for this.
Maybe you gave someone else the right to define you, or influence you. Once again, we live in a world full of intentions, energies and vibrations, it is difficult sometimes to protect yourself from some of the bad stuff when you aim to surrender yourself and your trust to the good stuff. Forgive yourself for this, you know in your heart who you are, tap into that. If you listen to your heart - you'll find home soon enough.

Whatever threw you off balance, don't guilt-trip yourself. Forgive yourself. Be kind and nurture yourself. You deserve that. You are on your way sister. You are on your way brother. You are doing good and you deserve good. Keep aiming, don't give up.

I want to encourage you to do a simple and very relaxing yoga pose called the childs pose. The philosophy behind it is to keep your heart (your chest) higher than your mind (your head), as to remind yourself to always follow your heart, and to not be ruled by our mind. Our minds are often over-active and especially in the western world civilizations. Our minds are good servants, but dangerous masters. Let yourself be guided by your heart.

And remember that: Our hearts are courageous, they can take anything. 

Sometimes life works in mysterious ways.
Sometimes ends are just beginnings.
Everybody deserves love and belonging.
It's not about the destination my friend, it's about the journey!

Everything will be Ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.
Keep hope.
Keep a positive mindset.
Keep happiness.
Keep trust.
Keep love.
Keep compassion.
Keep understanding.

Keep yourself. Cause you're always here. Somewhere, always around.
Whatever life throws at you, keep yourself.

Thank you.
Namaste.

Commitment

 Definition "Commitment"

kəˈmɪtm(ə)nt/

noun

noun: commitment

1.

the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.

"the company's commitment to quality"

synonyms:

dedication, devotion, allegiance, loyalty, faithfulness, fidelity, bond,

I've been learning lately, through a series of incidents that have occurred, that I have been lying to myself. I have been lying to myself when I tell myself that I am responsible, and that quite consciously. The reason of why I've done that is because I want to be responsible, sort of a "Fake it until you make it" -action; Trying to manifest it (which I take no shame in because at the end of the day I am learning). And through telling myself that, I have realized that I am subconsciously accomplishing something I have been trying to accomplish for the past few years; STOP feeling sorry for myself. It might sound like not a big deal, but for someone who spent a big part of her childhood in that comfortable place of enjoying misery because I didn't have to be responsible (it was the easy way out), it is a big deal. Learning to not feel sorry for myself (which I still have to remind myself of) is the first step towards being responsible, because you acknowledge that nobody except yourself put you in this situation, and nobody except yourself will get you out of it. So get busy. Don't think about the problem, think about the solution. Something I have learned through this heavy pattern that I adopted in the past is that I AM the first victim of my thoughts, words and actions. I AM the first victim of putting my head in the sand, taking the easy way out, not dealing with things and feeling sorry for myself about it. It leads nowhere. And that's not where I want to go. 

I have been working on myself lately, working on this habit pattern and some others, and a few days ago I made a decision of committing to myself. Oscar Wilde once said "To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance", and so I made a decision. I made the decision of loving myself. I made a decision of committing to myself. I made a decision of never ever lose the connection to my inner self again. And I thought, very seriously indeed, that I wanted to marry myself. No joke. Think about it, who will you ever find that is more suitable for you than yourself? It's the person that knows you the best. If you learn how to forgive this person, and how to encourage this person, and how to think and talk well about this person, it will pay off a hundred times over and over again. You don't need anybody else in the world than this person (although that doesn't stop the fact that happiness and love is very very sweet when shared with others - indeed!).  

So I encourage you, to make this commitment to yourself. 

But you have to mean it! 

So if you mean it, repeat after me:

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my husband/wife, to commit to. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, I will love you and honour you all the days of my life until death do us part.

:)

Congratulations. 

Repeat after me: I am free

"Work and pace
For paper face
Spend it wisely
And keep it safe
Because the human race
Is a non-stop race
With too many trials
But no real case
Something about this second
Something about this hour
Take away the money
Then the time becomes the power
Something about this instance
Something about this minute
Striving for the future
But don't realize that we're in it
A moment just to float
A moment just to swim
And to shower and to sing
And to brighten and to dim
And to sleep and to wander in" :)

Highest destiny

Our highest destiny is not a job description. Of greater relevance is the integrity, honesty, humility, and courage with which you be you. The vast Earth, and every potential choice, is only here to help us make the journey.
At the end of the day, the search, like the path itself, is not external, it's internal.
So how do we prepare ourselves for that? It's simple; in every moment, make the highest choice. How you deal with what happens is more important than What happens.
The road to your highest destiny is already safely where it needs to be: right under your feet.

/ Shakti Durga.