Reminder of the child

I found myself deep in lands of confusion once again. The ghosts in my closet have come once again to haunt me, once again to taint my present. So I did the bravest thing I knew how to do, give up on my external desires to take care of that wounded child in me. 

That child that was yelled at and disrespected and hurt and betrayed. That child that has started deciding what is and what is not good for me. That child rules my heart and the adult in me has no chance against it. 

In this lands of confusion, The adult in me seems to believe that it can leave the child in the hands of somebody else; and I ask myself: Is this adult incredibly trusting? or is it just stupid? 

When the crazy experiment once again fails and I realize that I shouldn't have left that child behind, I start blaming my adult. 

"Adult, what the fuck?! Are you blind? Can't you see I needed you?! Can't you see I'm hurting? Can't you see I still need you to reassure me of my worth, be kind to me, be attentive and communicative with me?"

...in fact, when that crazy experiment once again fails I start blaming other people's adults too. It's called projection. It's a terrible defense-mechanism that I have in order to mantain peace between the adult and the child in me, the side effect is that I hurt others around me. 

So, I gave up.

I gave up on you, my sweet external desire.

I gave up on you, my friend.

I gave up on you, my fellow wounded child, for I had not the strength to carry us both. 

And incredible of me to even try. 

I'll let that be proof of the value of my heart. Maybe also the naivity of my heart; for maybe the idea of taking a bullet for someone was in fact quite premature- and once again my experiment failed.

It's the perks of wanting to run when I can't even walk. 

I believe trying to love someone unconditionally is the greatest trial for the heart. How much can you let it stretch? How much space can you make in it before it compromises with your own comfort and safety? 

I admire those who have already figured that one out, the ones who actively try to meet their child, the ones to make a fertile ground for a seed to grow. Those who have understood that the adult in you can't leave the child behind, and you can't leave it in someone else's hands completely (If you do, expect fuck-ups).

Those who have understood that projection is not a smart technique.

Those to have learnt to communicate with their inner child, and actively Listen. 

AHO!

imagination

Here I am , sick, at home, trying to find my way back.
I believe that when we get sick its a way for the body to "shed skin", as if it's trying to purge something out of it's system. It's getting rid of the old. Getting rid of beliefs about ourselves, that we are not worthy, that we are not enough, that we are useless.
I am not useless! I refuse to believe that!
I am more that enough.
I am worthy of being here, it's my birthright.

So, lying at home having been sick for almost a week now, I began to ask myself " why won't this let go of me? What haven't I seen? What haven't I listened to?..." I took a hot shower, made a cup of tea and made it as cozy and comfortable as humanly possible in my bed. I lied down in the dark, breathing, connecting to my heart. "What are you trying to tell me?"
I felt like reading, but no, that wasn't quite it.
I hugged myself and asked my heart again. My heart replied. "Ask the child in you".
What would the child in me have wanted?
What did I do as a child when I needed comfort? What did I do then to make me feel at home in my heart, and in company? What did the child in me love?
Storytelling.
The child in me loves stories.

I started crying for myself and familiar words came out of my mouth "You were much muchier before, you've lost your muchness". Not my words, Lewis Carrolls words...
I felt afraid, like Peter Pan, responsability scares the shit out of me. I do not want to grow up, I do not want to be responsible because responsability was what took the magic away from my life.
The magic left the day I started growing up. I never ever want to go back.
I never ever want to stop wandering and marvelling at life.
I never ever want to stop loving wholeheartedly and innocently as children do.
I never ever want to stop playing and lose my imagination.

Teachers

When we are not asked to stay, the only thing to do is leave.
It hurts so good.

Arrive each day wherever you are 
along the road. Be everything you are for every minute of the miles. 
Move like fire through the smoke. Ask questions.Enjoy the 
silence when it comes. Listen to people who's 
words ring true.Be kind to people you find fault 
with - they are teachers too.Find out what you 
love. Love what you find out and follow the sun 
inside you.

"Discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom
even in a muddy pond.
Beautiful and strong"

Mother - Home, by Elsa PP

when the dream fell apart,
you held me.
In sweet reminder you held me.
Meet it, for it is also part of you;
It is fuel for the way home.
In sweet reminder you held me,
pain fuels love, and such is home.
(mother, you are home)

perception of love, by Elsa PP

How do you break something that cannot be broken?
A million times have I shed my skin;
a million times have I broken myself open
and torn myself
apart,
just
to find YOU there,
yet again,
even more solidified than the time before.

I have come to learn that if I try to deny you
I become lost
I lose the current of life
that burns through me.
And,
if I allow you,
I drown in eternity,
in all that ever was
in all that ever will
be -
I drown in uncertainty,
I drown in shapelessness,
I drown in diversity, I drown in infinity.
I drown in everlasting fullness,
of everything that ever was and everything that ever will be.
It is not you,
it is not me,
it is not life as we shape it to be.
It is far richer than our perception allows us to see.

I got lost

I got lost.

I got lost in my longing.

In my longing to be seen, in my longing to be met.

I got lost so fucking deep in my longing.

That night we shared in the streets of melbourne; that night when I rediscovered the wonder that is to be alive. When conversation filled the room and air filled my lungs, when I looked to you and your childlike wonder inspired me back into a time of wonder and innocence. I wanted to stay there forever with you. Hold your hand and say follow me to my secret spot, where we'll be safe in lands of our creation, where sky is the limit and roots go deep, deeper than the knomes caves. Deeper than the lava at the centre of the earth.

You touched something in me, I wanted to stay there forever with you, never grow up like Peter Pan. 

But I blinked and the moment passed. Suddenly I was thousands of miles away in a land far far away, the last that I heard from you was "I feel very connected to you". I believed you, and I protected that seed, that seed you planted in my soul that night. Or rather that seed that got rediscovered that night, in your company. 

I didn't know that then.

I protected that seed and attended it carefully in my memory for almost two years.. By then i had forgotten what I had discovered, but I did remember your face at McDonalds. That was enough for me to want to see you again.

This time it was different.

It was as if all the illusion I had been nurturing, all the warmth, got distorted by you. I was confused. I refused to reassess my memory of you, that I had so carefully protected against bad weather. This was worse, the rough reality of seeing you again, consumed, lost, made me protect the seed even against you. Yet I could not permit myself to leave you in such state, so I betrayed myself and I let you bring me down with you. I wanted to feed you with love, I wanted to fire up your heart by putting high voltages of love straight through it. I even loved your bonsai tree. I wanted to fix you so that you could come with me again, to that place of wonder, that place beyond science and superstition. I didn't  want to go alone, it was too good not to be shared.

But this place demands a certain kind of ripeness, a wanderlust. It's only for fit hearts willing to move through fear.

I got lost, forgot all about that place. Wasn't ripe enough for that journey. I let myself fall into old patterns, old molds where I would sacrifice myself and drench my energy into you the same way a full bathtub gets drain'd out of water. The same way a vampire feeds of blood. I went through a dehydration process, I lived off beer for a week. I left my secret path behind and followed you into the darkened corners of your soul, the shadows of my conciousness.  Took a one way ticket and saved the return ticket for you. 

I tried. I tried so hard and got so lost. Got lost in outcomes, got lost in translation and lost in confusion. Between german swedish and 'stralian I could not communicate. Words became jibberish and could not make myself understood. Up became down and the void sucked me further down. I Let myself fall into your rabbit hole. 

Poff; You were gone. 

I was left confused, in a room full of doors not knowing how to get back to christmastown. 

Ate a cookie that said Eat me, Drank a potion that said drink me. I was stretched and shrunked and the clothes fell off me, leaving me naked and vulnerable. Until I found the door, the door that would lead me through the yellow brick road back home... 🏡